Pistanthrophobia

It’s the fear of trusting someone due to past experiences (it’s in the Macmillan dictionary as an actual word).

I’ve somehow managed to find a middle ground. Like many of you, I used to trust very easily, still do sometimes, it all depends on the vibe I get from the other person. However, in the past year, regardless of the vibe I feel I do not trust until they prove to me that they are worth trusting. The middle ground I mentioned is I have the ability to genuinely be someone’s friend and be loyal to that friendship but not trust them back. It’s hard to explain and my friends think it’s really weird but I guess that’s how I guard myself and yet don’t lose out on the opportunity to get to know someone or walk away just because I get an odd vibe. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and try to prove my gut feeling wrong, even though so far my gut feeling has won every time.

More than three years ago, I became friends with a friend of a friend. Pretty soon we were inseparable, like two peas in a pod. It was like we’ve known each other our whole lives and I loved spending time with her. Our energy was contagious and addictive. We were a great duo. However in time, I realised I shared everything with her and I barely knew anything about her and this hit me more when she betrayed me a few times and left me with insecurities I didn’t think I could ever have. I won’t get into the details of it as this isn’t a rant post but had to be shared to give you some background.

Featured photo is of my cat (may she rest in peace in kitty heaven) and I feel it’s so fitting for this post. She was happily sleeping and I woke her up and she gave me that look. The look of: “I trusted you human to not disturb me whilst I sleep, well never again shall I bestow such an honour upon you!” I miss her everyday but that’s a story for another day. [the colour of the text represents my emotions when I think of her, which is blue and yet blue is my favourite colour and of all that I have lost, she was my favourite :(. ]

Three years into the friendship, I realised I have no trust in her and yet I remain friends with her and loyal because I genuinely care about her. We do still have great times together. She has now begun to open up (she was someone who never trusted anyone, so I guess we really formed a balance, since I used to blindly trust). This made me curious and I wanted to understand why I did it, my friends do not understand why I am still friends with her and here are my reasons:

  1. We share the same wave length of thoughts, I can discuss and analyse things with her I can’t with other people
  2. We talk about things on a deeper level and I like that we challenge each other intellectually
  3. I actually think I’ve gotten smarter since I met her, as I read more (topics which I wouldn’t normally read about) and think about things logically, whereas before I would take things at face value and not really question it
  4. I wouldn’t refer to myself as witty but after I met her, I recognise wit and it’s an odd thing to say but I have the ability to play along in a witty scenario if need be (go figure?)
  5. I think she’s a great person despite what she’s done to me or other people (maybe I’m naive).

It seems like my friendship with her is for selfish reasons but it really isn’t. I’m always there for her and I do go out of my way as I would for any of my friends who I am close with (and trust), it’s just I don’t trust her. She was the first person I came across that made me realise that I can do that, I can have a genuine friendship without trust. Well, that’s probably the most grey I’ve ever been in a situation, which should be black and white. Also proves what the anonymous “they” say that everyone reacts to things in a different way.

What’s a friendship without trust? Well, here are a few things that pop into mind:

  1. I have no expectations
  2. I won’t get hurt or feel betrayed
  3. it’s shallow on a few levels and with this specific friend even the shallowness is grey because of our meaningful conversations, which covers a broad range of topics
  4. it’s actually good fun, in some ways because there is no trust, I feel less responsible
  5. on the other hand if the other person trusts you way more than you trust them, it can be quite burdensome and there’s only so many “not much is new” you can say before they begin to catch on.

Alas, as I’ve said a gazillion times. It is what it is. 🙂

Oddly, I like that I am capable of doing this. I really like people and I like how much I can learn and grow from people. There are 7 billion people in the world and I guess the way my mind works is that I’m not going to let a thing like trust get in the way of knowing someone. It’s a bit of a vicious cycle, it’s still a fairly new concept to me so let’s see how things pan out.

I wouldn’t say I have pistanthrophobia but I have learnt to be a little more cautious with my emotions.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this. 🙂

Selectively Curious©

Heartbreak museum

There’s a museum in Croatia that is dedicated to heartbreak. The founders of the museum travelled all over the world collecting memorabilia of people’s heartbreak. It’s called “Museum of broken relationships” and it represents every type of relationship, not just the boy loves girl and they fall out of love.

Funny thing about love, how do people wake up one morning and realise that they no longer love the person they were madly in love with just days ago? Could it be that they never really loved? Surely it’s not just a switch you can turn on and off, it has to be deeper than that, right?

Personally, when I love someone, regardless of if they are still apart of my life or not, the love continues and they will always have a special place in my heart. Sometimes I feel that I have a lot of love to give and not enough people/animals in the world to give it too. Maybe if I spread the love to insects too I would feel it’s enough but sadly, I do not like insects. Speaking of insects, not so long ago, I stepped out of my apartment and found a weird looking insect and I was convinced that it was poisonous and dangerous. I stepped on it, but barely and when I took my foot off of it, I saw it try to scurry away to the corner. That moment broke my heart and there wasn’t anything I could do to save it since the pain it was feeling was my fault. I always knew I was empathetic but I felt that was on a whole new level, I still feel guilty. Following on from my previous post, I think humans react to animals in an abusive way because of fear sometimes, as I did with the insect I stepped on. It’s good to be cautious of course but I think there are other ways we can get rid of insects, right?

On a side note, I love the way our brain works. I have a tendency of getting carried away with my thoughts and it’s fantastic. Often times before falling asleep, I think about things, as we do and I play a game with myself, tracing my steps if you like of how I got to the thought in that moment. Sometimes I win by tracing back accurately and other times I don’t because the thought is so far from my initial thought that it gets frustrating trying to remember my initial thought.

Anyway, featured photo represents comfort food, which is the best for heartbreak and who doesn’t love donuts? Well I for one may have a mild obsession with donuts. However, have you ever tried a cronut? THAT’S JUST THE BEST THING EVER! It’s a mix between a donut and a croissant, utterly divine, I’m salivating at the thought of it. 😀

I’m off for a nap. Thank you for reading. 🙂

Selectively Curious©

 

What’s behind the door?

I love doors and the secrets contained behind doors.

When I was younger, my brothers would often say how much I resembled DeeDee from Dexter’s Laboratory (did any of you watch the cartoon?)

To those of you who didn’t watch it, let me give you a brief background. Dexter was a boy genius who had a laboratory under his bedroom where he would perform his scientific experiments. DeeDee was his sister, who was a ballerina and she would often go to his laboratory and press things and ruin his experiments.

Being as curious as I am, I am often faced with a dilemma…”what does this button do?” and as you may have guessed I push the button and something happens, which is never a good “something”

When I was at university, after uni was done for the day, my friends and I went to a corner shop to buy some snacks. In that shop there was a coffee machine and I thought it was quite cool. In hindsight I’m not really sure why I was so fascinated by that machine. Unfortunately it had a lot of buttons. As my friends were paying, I pressed one of the buttons and I was extremely shocked as I saw the coffee/milk combination started coming out of the machine and there being no cup to hold it in, it was over the shelf of chocolates below the machine.

For some bizarre reason I thought that nothing would happen if I pressed the button because I didn’t pay for the coffee. I thought it was one of those that until you pay for the coffee (payment being in the machine itself) the coffee would not pour out. I was so embarrassed I actually said “Oh my God, what is happening” and I ran out.

I felt incredibly guilty though, not only did I waste a perfectly good cup of coffee, I also wasted all those chocolates under the machine, which would have become complete mush because of the hot coffee. I gathered up the courage and went back to the corner shop a few hours later, so that I could pay for the damages and apologise for my mistake. After my incessant persistence to pay him back, he told me it was completely ok and refused to take my money, he was just happy that I bothered to come back to apologise. I do still feel slightly guilty.

Oddly enough I don’t feel curious about doors that much. I’ve never really wondered what’s behind a door.Maybe because it’s impolite to be nosey, regardless of how my curiosity gets the best of me. I guess this is a prime example of my selective curiosity. I’m curious to see what will happen when I press something but not curious to see what’s behind a door.

I read a quote today which is the inspiration for this post “If opportunity doesn’t know, build a door” by Milton Berle. I like the idea behind that. We are responsible for making our own dreams come true by creating our own opportunities.

How can we create our own opportunities? Well having pondered over this question for the past twenty minutes, here are some ideas (in no particular order, though I think number 5 is the most important):

  1. Depending on what you want to do, I would suggest doing research and finding out everything there is to know about that subject;
  2. Put yourself out there, we live in an age of social media and internet and it’s become vastly easier to market ourselves;
  3. be consistent, I guess what I mean by that is, have a routine and stick to it, even if you’re tired (this one is tough for me, I am unable to stick to a routine, so the fact that I’m still writing a post almost everyday is such an achievement on my end);
  4. Put some time aside to just clear your mind and let your creativity flow through and you can be creative in everything you do, in my opinion creativity is what makes you different from the rest; and lastly
  5. be patient.

Patience is key and also the most difficult thing to conquer.

Right, I think I’m going to watch some Dexter’s Laboratory before bed.

Goodnight all you beautiful people. 🙂

Selectively Curious©

My day job vs my passion

As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, my day job (which is also a passion of mine) is of a paralegal/trainee lawyer, however my creative passion is to write and bring my writing to life with my photographs (I always loved books with pictures).

In some ways my day job goes hand in hand with my passion. To be a good lawyer, you need skills (the first three being the most crucial), including but not limited to, as follows:

  1. Attention to detail;
  2. Attention to detail;
  3. Attention to detail;
  4. Drafting (being clear and succinct, with good structure, good grammar, etc);
  5. Assessing client needs and delivering accordingly;
  6. Negotiation; and
  7. Research.

Being a good writer, in my opinion, you need the following skills (including but not limited to):

  1. Research;
  2. Drafting; and
  3. an original idea and in some ways giving the public what they want to read in your unique way.

It’s interesting that I can take advantage of my profession to become a great writer. In fact, I actually don’t know what I want more, to be a good writer or a good lawyer.

The featured photo is one I took from Primrose hill, Regent’s Park in London. It is by far my most favourite place in London and you will often find me there waiting for the sun to come up on a clear day. I chose this photo for this post because I feel that it represents my career life and my creative passion. I can see the sun about to come over the horizon but it’s not quite there yet and that is how I feel about my career and writing.

In a way, I am inspired by John Grisham, who is a terrific writer and I think a good lawyer too. One of his quotes “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere”, which inspires me to be a good lawyer and reminds me why I chose to go to law school in the first place. It’s been a tough journey, especially since I’m in a very competitive field but I am determined to qualify and become a great lawyer. I know that I have the ability to be great and I know that I have the ability to help many people. I definitely want to be a good lawyer in that aspect because I want to be the voice of people who are unable to defend themselves.

Additionally, I want to be a good writer because I want my words to make a difference in people’s lives and I want the positivity to spread. I want people to be able to relate to my writing and those going through a tough time to realise that they aren’t alone and that we are all only human after all. I want to spread joy into people’s lives and have them believe that thing’s aren’t all bad. The sun will rise again.

At the moment I am striving to be both. Good luck to me. 🙂

Selectively Curious©

The force is strong with this one (100happydays – day 2)

The most powerful force in the universe is known as…(wait for it)… Strong force! Apparently it’s what holds us all together, literally. To think that the scientists would come up with a better word than just “Strong force.” I will not go into the physics of it (which I did read, as my blog stipulates and also because I wanted to make sure it wasn’t a hoax.) 

It’s a little bit ironic, how such a powerful force has an equally weak name. There is no depth to the word used to describe the force, it’s only two syllables, not that syllables are relevant here. I think a better word for this force would be: supercalifragilisticexpialidocious and the scientists will be happy to see that the word does contain “super”. It also makes me curious as to if the main scientist who came up with the terminology for this force was a Star Wars fan. I do not mean to generalise and also I do not think that Star Wars is strictly geeky ( I love Star Wars, however I am also a bit of a geek) because I know many people who aren’t geeks that also really enjoy it. It’s a nice story and a nice concept and I think even the people who think Star Wars is “lame” secretly want to be Jedis… just saying.

If this “strong force” is actually scientifically accurate, then my logic tells me that Star Wars is scientifically accurate in some ways, in theory and makes me wonder if George Lucas knew of the Strong Force when he wrote Star Wars. For example, the famous line of the movie is “May the Force be with you” if you think about it, they say “the force” not “a force” and without the force we will all fall apart because we won’t have anything to hold us together, figuratively (and literally, I suppose). That’s quite a eureka moment (even though quite a useless one).

Sidenote, it’s also nice that Star Wars has become quite mainstream. I went to an art exhibition a few years ago, which showed the work of Mr Brainwash, a famous spray painter (see featured image.)

That’s all I got tonight, may the force be with us all. 🙂

Selectively Curious©

If you could go back in time, what would you change?

Nothing.

That’s a simple answer, I guess. I do not have regrets, especially in relation to the mistakes I have made, I would make those all over again if it would mean that it would bring me to where I am now. Don’t get me wrong, I am not in an ideal place in my life, I have a long way to go to be close to where I want to be; at the same time I really like who I have become and I truly have come a long way from where I was.

Going back to the beginning, I didn’t start speaking until I was about 4. I could say words but I did not formulate sentences very well. My mother has always been very intuitive, so she knew what I was trying to say to her and because she understood me so well, I guess on some level I didn’t feel the need to talk or formulate sentences. When I started school, the first memory I have is not being able to speak English. I remember speaking to the teacher and other kids in my mother tongue and being quite confused as to what was going on. It’s quite incredible the way the human mind works and the ability of teachers to teach children a whole new language. With time I learnt English. I was a very shy child. I was always hiding behind my mother, whenever we went out. I think I’d describe myself as Bambi if I could relate to any cartoon and at the time Bambi was my favourite. My shyness still remains, ever so slightly that it’s barely visible. I have “grown up” so to speak and even if I feel overwhelmed, I have gotten quite good at “fake it till you make it”

Speaking of mistakes, one I would like to mention is not doing well enough in my A levels, which lead to me having no offers from universities. (That’s a story for another time).

Fast forwarding till I moved to London for university, I had gotten my dorm room and my parents were there to make sure I settled in nicely. After they had left, I sat in my tiny room, looked outside the window and immediately missed home. I never felt more alone and at that moment self pity kicked in. I have always been capable of taking care of myself, but in that moment all I could think of is how much I wanted to be in the comfort of my home. After a few days of wallowing, I got bored of myself and decided to make the most of it and started socialising and just opening up. I decided that I did not want to be shy anymore and really went out of my way to get out of my comfort zone. I joined various societies and even ran for treasurer for a society (got elected twice). It did wonders for my confidence and it is then that I realised that I actually really like people. Everyone is interesting in one way or another and people tended to open up to me, which in the beginning I would find to be strange. I do not trust easily, yet I would find people opening up to me as if they have known me their whole lives. It made me feel nice to be peoples’ confidant and give them the encouragement they needed to overcome whatever obstacles they were facing. I learnt that at the end of the day, everyone just wants to be understood.

I have made a lot of mistakes along the way, taken some wrong turns, got hurt and I know that I will make new ones as I am still on this earth. With every mistake I come one step closer to my destiny, grow more confident and wise. I would not have it any other way. 🙂

Selectively Curious©

Random

Oddly enough, I’m not sure why I didn’t pick “Random” to be the name of my blog. I’m often accused of being random, I have spontaneous sparks of thoughts which I blurt out (whatsapp mostly), immediately after I’ve had them and the thoughts are usually unrelated to what is/was being discussed. Oh, now I know, I am more curious than I am random and my randomness stems from my curiosity (all is right in the world again.)

There have been many times I have started a piece of writing and not completed it and when I go back to it, I’ve lost the chain of thought I had or motivation to continue. So this blog post is dedicated to a piece of writing I titled as “random” 4 years ago. I haven’t edited the below and it’s interesting to see that my writing style is consistent, don’t you think?

Have you ever liked someone so much that every time you looked at them your heart ached? Feeling completely and utterly in love with someone, who is completely oblivious to your feelings and emotions, yet you believe with every cell in your body that you are made for each other. It’s funny, she loves him because she loves him, he’s never led her on or shown any interest romantically. Yet after numerous efforts to let it go and get over it, she just can’t. So she loves him, for no other reason but for love. In his words, “No I’m not predictable, I am compatible” Not sure what he meant by that, but then again he says a lot of things that didn’t make sense. Maybe he is as complex as he claims to be? This story isn’t original but it is without a doubt relatable. It’s a tale as old as time, Girl likes Boy, Boy likes someone else and that someone else doesn’t like Boy. So I can’t even call it a love triangle, it’s more of a love line. I’m not sure how this story ends, but I know how it begins and I know how it’s progressed, the rest is up to God, fate, destiny (whatever you may believe in).

“Meh” she said out loud as the people around her on the Picadilly line looked at her before turning back to their newspapers, kindles, iPads or even back to looking at the nothingness to avoid the awkward eye contact that only Londoners would understand. Thats the beauty of London, there are so many people from all over the world that anyone who has lived there can find that he/she belongs. That’s what she felt, her comment, if you can even refer to “meh” as a comment was merely one of disappointment. She wanted so many things and though things seldom went her way, this time she felt like she was losing a battle she used all her strength to win. She loved being in London so much that it hurt to think she had to leave it all behind and move on. She turned and looked at the people around her, breaking one of the unwritten rules of being in a tube. She looked around and took it all in, the man standing with lip piercings and spiky hair, bobbing his head to whatever was playing in his iPod as he swayed with the train. “This is Green park, change here for the jubilee and victoria lines. Exit here for Bukingham Palace”

The featured image is just one I chose at random, coincidentally on purpose (is that a thing?) 🙂

Selectively Curious ©

Pineapples

Funny thing about pineapples, they are’t pines, they aren’t apples and are called annanas in almost every other language but English. I won’t get into the linguistics of the fruit as this post has a deeper story.

When I lived in London, I loved going on walks, the city is structured in the most pedestrian friendly way, that walking there is pure delight. After a few years I discovered that London has toured walks, which is, for those of you who are unaware, you can walk in a neighbourhood and kind of get a history lesson about that area. The one I learnt the most out of or well the one I enjoyed the most was in Maida Vale, also known as “little venice”.

(here is a picture, in case you wanted to see what it looks like)

IMG_20130405_190420.jpgIt was during this walk that I learnt a few interesting things.

Have you ever wondered why the iphone sign is a bitten apple? Alan Turing was the man who invented computers, he also committed suicide by taking a bite from a poisoned apple (was poisoned with cyanide). Some say that the idea to take a bite from a poisoned apple stemmed from Snow White, which was the first time it showed in the theatre back when he was alive and it led to his demise. Thus, the bitten apple became the symbol of Apple. It may not be the inspiration Steve Jobs had, but who’s to say it isn’t. If the shoe fits…I like to believe that it’s true and it makes a hell of a story.

Anyway back to the reason of this post, pineapples represent hospitality and you’ll see it around London and especially Maida Vale, perched on columns and just spread out randomly around the city. I never noticed pineapples until I went on this guided tour and after which I read up on it and it turns out that this symbol has a long and rich history. I won’t bore you with the details, but I would just like to leave you with: It is a universal sign of hospitality,  pineapples were often found outside doors, usually in the form of a carving or some sort and thus welcoming guests. Some even displayed it at dinner tables as the centre piece when hosting a party. Maybe next time I host a party I’ll use the symbol and make a pineapple upside down cake, just to show off my welcoming nature since cake is already so welcoming, I guess that makes me twice as hospitable? My mother would be, oh, so proud. 🙂

Selectively Curious©

Drapetomania

The title of this post means “an overwhelming urge to runaway” It’s amazing how you can take that out of context as most things nowadays. The word itself was the name of an illness which Samuel A Cartwright hypothesized to cause black slaves to flee captivity. Of course this theory was later debunked as it is outright racist.

Nowadays this word has become quite mainstream, you’ll see many people sharing it on social media because people have developped drapetomania. Living in the UAE I can say without a doubt that we have a really cushy life and it was here that I discovered the word to be more commonly used than in London, where it is not so cushy. Isn’t it ironic? (it’s like raaaaaain on your wedding dayyy). It makes me curious if it is the cushyness which makes people lazy and bored. Things can become shallow if you allow yourself to get comfortable and this overwhelming urge really does become an illness as the word was orginally intended to be used. One question that does spring to mind is that what is it that people want to run away from? Honestly, maybe I am biased, but in my opinion the UAE is the best place to live because truly it is the good life. Yet, I also find myself wanting to run away, it’s contagious and I have caught this illness at various points in my life, since I have moved back to my childhood home.

After much analysis and ponderings I have come to an unconclusive conclusion that maybe it’s feeling the motions, kind of like the notion of “misery loves company”so even though I may have this urge to run away technically its not the place I want to run away from or the life I have here, it’s the people I have chosen to surround myself with, who all suffer from this illness. The reality is that people are just unhappy, they have everything and yet they are unhappy, unfullfilled and can’t help but compare their life to those around them. It’s so easy to complain and forget the blessings they are surrounded with, it’s so easy to be negative and ask “why me” and wallow in your own hole of self pity and it’s not only addictive but the thought process can get quite contagious to those who just want to feel like they belong. Human beings are funny, we might as well be sheep. Why live like that?

After two years of being in an on and off state of drapetomania, I feel more stable and I no longer have an urge to run away. I now have wanderlust (another word that has become so mainstream) however it is not an illness, it is part of my selective curioustiy. I want to see the world I live in, I want to explore and I want to experience this world the way it was intended. It is a dream rather than a need and I like that it’s a more peaceful way to approach life. Zen for the win (pronounced as wen because I want it to rhyme). 🙂

Featured photo:https://blackthen.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/runawaye.jpeg.jpg

Selectively Curious©

Two peas in a pod 

I understand the concept behind this saying but if you’ve ever taken peas out of a pod you will notice that the peas are rarely ever the same. It makes me curious as to why the saying means that when two people are alike they’re like “two peas in a pod”

Maybe it means that because the peas were in the same place they must be alike, however if this concept is applied to twins who are the closest it comes to being “two peas” in a “pod” it doesn’t apply there either because twins are rarely ever alike, even if identical.

It’s odd how people come up with such sayings and odder still when it actually become a “thing”.

Alas, it is what it is. 🙂

(Featured photo: http://www.finecooking.com/item/5588/peas)

Selectively Curious©